12 August 2008
Interfaith Marriages Fairly Common in United States
Many couples find acceptance of their choices
Washington -- Mark and Meris Steele gave little thought to the role of religion in their marriage until three years after their first child was born. It was then that Mark, a Catholic, and Meris, born Jewish, started sending their son Spencer to Jewish Sunday school.
They now realize it was at that point they decided to raise their children in the Jewish religion. Neither recalls the decision being difficult or explicit, nor did they discuss pros and cons.
“Maybe I did that in my head,” Mark said, “but somewhere in the back of my mind was the idea that whatever the mom is, the kids are. I was 100 percent OK with raising them Jewish.”
Their daughters, Kellan, 13, and Brenna, 10, attend the same Jewish school their brother, now 16, attended. All three have knowledge of Hebrew and have participated or are participating in the Jewish rites of passage, including bar and bat mitzvahs.
According to the recent U.S. Religious Landscape Survey, conducted by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, 60 percent of Americans with children under age 18 living at home send their children to religious education programs, including 35 percent of those who describe themselves as unaffiliated with a particular religion. A majority of adults -- 56 percent -- say religion is very important in their lives, and 82 percent say it is at least somewhat important.
The Steeles, who live in Maryland, describe themselves as not particularly religious, but they believe religion teaches important morals, ideals and values. They also believe it provides guidance to children, whether or not they continue to be religious as adults.
ACCEPTANCE OF INTERFAITH MARRIAGE
Interfaith marriages like that of the Steele family are fairly common in the United States. The Pew survey indicates that among married adults, 27 percent are married to someone from a different religious affiliation. (It jumps to 37 percent if marriages between people of different Protestant denominations are counted -- for instance, a Baptist married to a Methodist.)
One reason interfaith marriage is fairly common may be related to one of the survey’s key findings: Of those participants affiliated with a religion, 70 percent agreed that many religions -- not just their own -- can lead to eternal life. (See “Survey Finds Americans Are Religious, Tolerant, Nondogmatic.”)
“I think interfaith marriage works in this country because we have a history of practicing tolerance of other faiths,” said Andrew Tevington, assistant pastor at the United Methodist Church of the Servant in Oklahoma City and author of Our Faiths: A Peace Offering.
Also, because religion often matters to both people in the marriage, each is willing to find ways to take part in the religious activities of the other. “What is important is respect,” he said.
For example, he said, a couple planning an interfaith marriage should work out in advance the details of where holidays will be spent, which holidays of each religion will be celebrated and how all members of each person’s family will know what to expect.
“Not too long ago, I performed a ceremony for a woman who was Muslim and a man who was Jewish, and both wanted to continue to practice their own faiths. They planned to expose their children to both and let them make their own choices,” Tevington said.
BLENDING THE FAMILIES
Meris said her two brothers married non-Jewish women and are raising their children as Christians. Although her parents never asked, she suspects they hoped one of their children would raise their grandchildren Jewish, if for no other reason than to maintain a cultural awareness.
“Many of their relatives died in the Holocaust and our kids will know about their history,” she said. “But they accepted Mark from day one and would not have really cared either way.”
Mark said he has never heard a critical comment from his family about his decision, even though his brother married a devout Catholic and is raising his children in that religion.
Mark’s mother, who is Catholic, attends grandparents' days and other programs at the Jewish school for all three of the Steele children, Meris said. “She’s really interested in all the things they are learning.”
The Steeles said Christmas Eve is spent with Mark’s family and includes singing Christmas carols and reading part of the Christmas story, and that the Jewish High Holidays are often spent at the beach with family and friends.
When it became clear the children would follow the Jewish religion, Meris began to search for a synagogue. Her primary criterion was that it be a place where Mark would be accepted and not be asked or expected to convert to Judaism.
“I was careful to look for one where everyone in the family would be comfortable and that would be completely accepting of Mark,” she said. “I wanted to be sure he would never feel out of place, and I was extraordinarily lucky” to find the right place.
Also see “U.S. Religious Landscape Is Marked by Diversity and Change” and Diversity-At Worship.
